THIS is TRUE ( Part 1 )
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for 2 January 2000 

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING: Researchers in Britain have announced a new
security monitor that "predicts mathematically" whether people are
contemplating illegal acts even before they commit them. The system,
designed by Steve Maybank of the University of Reading and David Hogg
at the University of Leeds, watches for the "different behaviors" of
people contemplating "suspicious" activity and alerts security guards.
Meanwhile, in the U.S., a new x-ray machine installed in several
airports that allows operators to scan people -- and look through their
clothing -- is under fire. U.S. Customs Commissioner Raymond Kelley
defended the controversial machine. "People object to being physically
touched. In response to that we brought in the scanners," he said.
(Reuters, AP) ...Either way, you're being laid bare.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER? Swedish inventor Bruce Lambert has received a patent
on a new refrigerator. His innovation: the door is a mirror that, when
a light is switched on inside the fridge, turns into a clear window so
users can see the food inside without opening the door. That saves
energy, of course. But Lambert notes that's not the only good part. He
says the mirror encourages dieting because people can see their
reflections as they approach the door. (Reuters) ...If he really wants
it to be effective, he needs to invent a way for people to see their
reflections as they walk away from the door.
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THIS is TRUE for 9 January 2000 

DUMBEST: Effas Ondya, 56, of Lusaka, Zambia, sued his wife Dorothy
Mapani, 37, to get a court order vacating a $200 bet he made with her.
They have been unable to conceive a child, so Ondya bet his wife that
it was her fault, and said she could have sex with other men to prove
otherwise. If she didn't get pregnant by February 22, 2000, he would
win. But when she said she would proceed with the experiment, he had
second thoughts and sued. Zambia's High Court ruled against Ondya.
"There is clear indication that you have allowed your wife to have sex
with other men," ruled judges Sainet Chiutambo and Joseph Mumba "The
bet remains a bet." (Reuters) ...Either way, she wins.
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THIS is TRUE for 16 January 2000 

MR. CONDUCTOR ACCUSED OF INSIDE JOB: Employees of Crossford Country Park
near Lanark, Scotland, watched as workmen loaded up their replica of
"Thomas the Tank Engine", a locomotive based on the storybook train
engine that the park used to haul kids around on rides. After the
workmen finished loading the four-tonne engine onto a truck and drove
away, the staffers waved goodbye. It was only then they realized that
the workmen didn't work at the park, and the 15,000 pound (US$24,570)
engine had just been stolen. "I cannot believe the nerve of these
people," park manager James Warnock said when notified of the theft.
(Reuters) ...All thieves have nerves of steal.

LESSON PLAN: Publisher Princeton Review says it will destroy as many as
225,000 copies of a textbook used over the last 12 years to study for
standardized school reading tests. The discussion of the word
"cardinal" in "Word Smart II" gives the example, "The cardinal rule at
our school is simple. No shooting at teachers. If you have to shoot a
gun, shoot it at a student or an administrator." The passage was found
by a 12-year-old boy's father. (AP) ...Who was apparently the first
person to actually read it.
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THIS is TRUE for 30 January 2000 

ZORRO, THE NEXT GENERATION: Dr. Allan Zarkin, an obstetrician at Beth
Israel Medical Center in New York City, said he did "a beautiful job"
on a Caesarean section in the hospital. So he used his scalpel to
"initial" his work, carving "AZ" on Linda Gedz's abdomen as she lay
sedated on the table, Gedz says in a lawsuit. She is suing Zarkin and
the hospital for $5.5 million, saying the three-inch-high letters make
her feel "like a branded animal". (Reuters) 
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THIS is TRUE for 13 February 2000 
THREE MORE AND HE'S AN ACE: U.S. Air Force security officer Airman
Raymone Sydnor, on patrol at Eglin Air Force Base in Florida, dropped
his personal cell phone on the floor of his car. As he was groping for
it, he managed to drive into a parked F-15 fighter jet. The patrol car
was destroyed, the jet suffered $62,000 in damage, and Sydnor received
a concussion. Sydnor's punishment was not released, but the base has
issued new guidelines for security officers, requiring they get out of
their cars for 10 minutes every half-hour "to combat boredom and
oxygenate blood flow." (AP) ...What about a policy of watching where
the heck they're going?
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THIS is TRUE for 20 February 2000 
THANK YOU FOR CALLING: Tom Mabe really hates telemarketers. "When you're
self-employed, you jump when the phone rings, hoping it's a client, not
a doggone telemarketer," he said. At first, the Louisville, Ky.,
musician was patient -- " I was nice for weeks!" -- but when the calls
wouldn't let up he started playing gags on the salespeople. "They'd
call about a security system and I'd say, 'I'm robbing the place right
now, but you might want to try back later'." He told a funeral parlor
trying to sell a burial plan he was waiting for a sign from God as to
whether he should kill himself, and the funeral call was it. "You're
the angel of death, man," he told him. The gag apparently did not
perturb the funeral man. "If we can get the paperwork out to you this
afternoon, can you hold off [killing yourself] until tomorrow?" was the
reply. (AP) ...Telemarketers driving you to suicide? Don't do it!
Please go after the telemarketers instead.
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THIS is TRUE for 12 March 2000 

LOSERS WEEPERS: A couple living outside Dallas, Texas, found a bag
containing nearly $300,000 in cash and a 9mm handgun, and turned it
over to police. It has not been claimed by anyone, but the police say
the couple cannot claim the cash under "finder's keepers" common law.
Because the money had traces of cocaine on it, "the [Drug Enforcement
Administration has] determined this is drug money," said a spokesman
for the Dallas Police Department. "It is not the same thing as finding
a wallet." The anonymous couple is fighting back, retaining an attorney
who has pointed to studies that show most U.S. currency has traces of
cocaine on it. The DEA advises them not to pursue their claim. "It was
found in the middle of the highway with a loaded 9 mm on top," says DEA
spokesman Frank Seib, pointing out that if it is drug money, they'll
want it back. "Somebody is coming after it." (AP) ...Then you better
let them keep the 9mm too.

SHE PROBABLY WHISTLES IN THE WIND: Heather Perry, 29, decided she had
found a cure for her myalgic encephalomyelitis -- "which leaves
sufferers feeling permanently exhausted" -- but doctors near her home
in Gloucester, England, refused to implement it. Perry decided that
drilling a hole in her head, a headache treatment from the Middle Ages
known as trepanation, would do the trick. Faced with doubting British
doctors, she flew to the U.S. for a consultation. American doctors
wouldn't help either, but gave her some "medical advice," so she
performed the procedure on herself in front of a mirror. Despite
drilling too deeply and nearly puncturing her brain, "I have no
regrets," she said. "I generally feel better and there's definitely
more mental clarity." (Reuters) ...No one doubts you have a problem
with mental clarity, dear.
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THIS is TRUE for 19 March 2000 

LOOK INTO MY EYES: Police in Cilacap, Java, have arrested a shaman who
tricked female patients into having sex with him. Shaman Suryono, 36,
allegedly claimed he has magical powers that enable him to grant
people's wishes. He required female clients to bathe and lie naked in
his house, and then "they were told that while in the room if a man
approached them looking like Suryono it was actually a genie who would
make their wishes come true as long as they did what this supposed
genie said," a police spokesman says. In addition to having his way
with at least 35 women, Suryono also got away with charging them high
fees. (Jakarta Post) ...A fact he will use as proof of his magical
abilities.

SECURITY DETAIL: When on official business, German Chancellor Gerhard
Schroeder is chauffeured in a bullet-proof limousine. But per German
law, he must pay 686 marks (US$340) per month in taxes for the perk. If
he used the state-owned car for personal business, he'd have to pay
substantially more in taxes, so instead he drives his wife's
Volkswagen. But he's not completely unprotected: when he's on the road
in his wife's car, his bodyguards follow right behind -- in a
bullet-proof limousine. (Reuters) ...At least they'll be alive to tell
the story of how Schroeder was ambushed.

ICH BIN EIN ACTION FIGURE: Toy maker Hasbro has announced they will make
a special edition "G.I. Joe" doll bearing the likeness of President
John F. Kennedy. He will be wearing his World War II Navy lieutenant's
uniform, and packaged with accessories based on his "PT 109" days.
Royalties will be paid to the JFK Library Foundation. Next year, it
will release a second JFK doll, dressed in Navy dress whites. Hasbro
has said it does not plan to make a Jackie Kennedy companion doll.
(Reuters) ...Though, curiously, Mattel simultaneously announced its new
"Marilyn Monroe Barbie".
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THIS is TRUE for 26 March 2000 

LET'S FLY: Police in Colorado know they don't like it, but they're not
sure what to do to stop it. Skiers and snowboarders have found the
ideal terrain near a highway in Silverplume that allows them to jump
over cars on the highway. Drivers are startled to see skiers sailing 40
feet above them, jumping the 60-foot gap in the snow cut by the road.
Several of the daredevils have been injured when they didn't make it,
but no one has been killed. "The sheriff says we could charge them for
not having a pilot's license," joked a sheriff's spokesman. But "I
don't know exactly what we'd [really] charge them with -- other than
stupidity." (AP) ...Isn't that really what, in the end, most people in
prison are guilty of?

WAR GAMES: The tension between India and Pakistan has increased again,
now that India's Border Security Force captured yet another hawk. The
bird caught the BSF's attention since it was "fitted with [an] antenna
and a live transmitter flying across the international border," the
agency reported. (Reuters) ...With luck, they'll soon be catching doves
instead.

BLACKOUT: When the cops stopped by Suzanne Meyers' Roseville, Mich., home
with an arrest warrant, she was at a loss: she didn't remember being
cited for alcohol possession -- 14 years ago. "I've been racking my
brain. I don't even remember this," she said. "A warrant's a warrant,"
shrugged a police spokesman. "The officer had no way of knowing it
happened when she was 16 years old." A judge threw out the ancient
charge, but Meyers still has no idea what it was about. "I have never
even had a speeding ticket." (AP) ...Yeah, like we're going to trust
your memory on that.

SHOOTING PAIN: Tirisa Ruiz, 43, attempting to smuggle a gun into Picota
prison in Bogota, Columbia, thought she could get it past security if
she shoved it deep into her rectum. "Deep" is relative: she had to
undergo emergency surgery to remove it from her colon. Meanwhile,
authorities at the Bogota airport were suspicious of a woman trying to
board a flight when her passport photo showing short hair didn't match
her towering locks. A search found a packet of more than a pound of
cocaine glued to her head, under a wig. "It was glued in there so
strongly that efforts to remove it by hand were ineffective," state
police said. (Reuters, AP) ...So the poor cops had to resort to
removing it by nose.
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THIS is TRUE for 2 April 2000 

A LITTLE OFF THE BOTTOM: Police in Laval, Quebec, Canada, heard the
rumors and conducted a two-month-long undercover operation to see if
they were true. A salon in town, Le Salon Sex Symbol, reportedly
offered extras with haircuts: depending on how much customers paid,
police say, hair stylists would talk dirty, show their breasts, strip
naked, or even engage in sex. Three female stylists and five male
customers were arrested, charged with working in or frequenting a house
of prostitution. And haircuts? "We found some hair on the ground," a
police spokesman confirmed. "One of the men got his hair cut. They have
a few clients who just go for that." (AP)

RULES ARE RULES: Law enforcement officials in Baltimore County, Md.,
really wanted to capture Joseph Palczynski, wanted for kidnaping and
multiple murders. A $10,000 reward was put on his head. Shortly
afterward, Andy McCord called 911 for help since Palczynski was
smashing his way into his apartment. He held McCord, his girlfriend,
and their 12-year-old son hostage. After a lengthy siege, they were
able to escape, and McCord has asked for the reward. But Metro Crime
Stoppers won't give it to him. "He did not convey the information
according to Metro Crime Stoppers rules" because he called 911, not the
Crime Stoppers "tip line", a spokesman said. "And [his call] did not
lead to the arrest of Mr. Palczynski," he continued -- because police
did not arrest him. They shot him to death when they stormed McCord's
apartment. (AP) ...You've always got to read the fine print.

RULES II: Customers getting their hair done at The Clipping Company salon
in Renton, Wash., were startled by an upset young woman who burst into
the shop to ask to use the telephone. The woman had parked in a marked
handicapped-only space, even though she is not disabled, and another
motorist allegedly damaged her car in anger over her taking the spot.
The woman wanted to report the other motorist to the police. "It's
nobody's business where I park!" she told patrons at the salon. When
police arrived, they took quick action: they gave the woman a ticket
for parking in a handicapped spot without a permit. (Seattle Times)
...Then again, lots of people don't read the bold print, either.

NOW THAT WE'RE REALLY, REALLY SURE SHE'S NOT COMING BACK: "Titanic
Shipyard May Sack Workers" -- AP headline
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THIS is TRUE for 9 April 2000 

FROM NOW ON, IT'S "BARBIE WOMAN": Lene Nystrom, the Norwegian singer best
known for the song "Barbie Girl", says her recent breast implant
surgery was not done to promote sales of her records, but rather to
make her feel better about herself. "I've always been thin and
flat-chested, in short very boyish. I just want to be more feminine,"
she said, rejecting criticism that she is setting a bad example for
young girls. She also said she wants to get past being known for the
"Barbie Girl" song. "I get the creeps when I'm compared with that doll.
I have nothing in common with Barbie." (Reuters) ...Correction: she
used to have nothing in common with Barbie.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY: Muslims in Gamle -- "old town" Oslo, Norway -- applied
for the right to call worshipers to prayers, calling "Allahu akbar"
("God is great") over loudspeakers. The neighborhood council granted
the request, to the delight of the World Islamic Mission. A spokesman
said the decision is a "victory of great symbolic importance. It means
our religion is respected on the same lines as other religions." But to
keep things completely equal, the council also approved a request by
The Norwegian Heathen Society to summon members to their meetings by
calling out "There is no God" over the loudspeakers. (AP) ...Next step:
everyone screaming "Our God can beat your God" at the top of their
lungs.
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THIS is TRUE for 16 April 2000 
BY THE PEOPLE: Suspicious police officers in Lexington, N.C., pulled over
Jose Guadalupe Pedro-Cruz, 33, after he picked up a package from the
post office. They asked if they could search his car, and he said yes.
They looked in the package, arrested Pedro-Cruz, and announced the
department's "largest methamphetamine bust". Pedro-Cruz was charged
with drug trafficking and held in jail for nearly two weeks while more
tests were done. That's when they discovered the "flour-looking
substance" they seized was flour, and the "waxy-looking blocks" were
Mexican candy made from squash. Pedro-Cruz was released. Capt. Mike
Brown said that field drug tests are "not 100 percent reliable," but
added "we have done everything in good faith." (Lexington Dispatch)
...Except maybe asking Pedro-Cruz what was in the package.
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