"Advice Column About Pregnancy...."
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Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband
   wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance
   if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
   when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's
   is A-negative.  What if my  baby is born, say,
   type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm
   sure our baby will be beautiful enough for
   commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When
   will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes
   college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning
   sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband
   has a big nose, and genes for big noses are
   dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well.
   Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother
   will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear
   end, and even my feet have grown. Is there
   anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't
   been able to go to bed at night without onion
   rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often
   strangers smile at me.  Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so
   moody that sometimes she's borderline
   irrational.
A. So what's your question, dip-poop?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby
   is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your
   nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the
   end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband
   and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-
   months pregnant woman and a Playboy
   centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband
   knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
   I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
   be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the
   delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means
   anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to
   deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors,
   nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists,
   cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame
it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born
   with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want
   to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats
   boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing
   cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from
   nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see
   a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the
   baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
   they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in
   the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very
   quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth
   control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new
   mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will
   my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.