It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
  and blamed it on the cost of living.

  Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

  We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.

  The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
  something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
  someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

  Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

  You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
  population.

  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

  Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die anyway.

  The things that come to those that wait may be
  the things left by those who got there first.

  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

  Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.

  Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark.

  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a
  moray!

  A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

  It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

  The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

  I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

  When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
  12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Light travels faster than sound.
  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.