STAFFORD, England - Coworkers wanted to do something special
for Louie Holiman on his 50th birthday, so they threw him a
party. They hired an exotic dancer to pop out of a cake. Louie
got the shock of his life when his daughter popped out of the
cake in the buff. She apparently did not know her father was
the "jolly good fellow." The shock proved too much for the
birthday boy and he dropped dead from a heart attack.

-------------- Beer, Breakfast Of Champions? ---------------

Two young Hamilton, Ohio boys were rescued this week after
being trapped in a closed boxcar at a rail yard near the
Miller Brewing Company. With no food or water, John Riley and
Billy Grimes survived for eight days on beer.

------------------ I Remember How To Sue -------------------

DENVER - A woman who said she lost her memory on the Mind
Eraser roller coaster two years ago is suing the amusement
park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

---------- Another Victory For California Police -----------

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out
and give himself up.

------------------ Now That's A Rich Diet ------------------

BEIJING, China - Farmer Li Yunzhong struck it rich when he was
eating his chicken dinner. While eating, a 1.2 carat diamond
was found inside the chicken. Li eventually sold the diamond
to the government for more than three times his normal annual
income. How the diamond got inside the chicken is anybody's
guess.

-------------- Should Have Stayed At Harvard ---------------

Vassar College - A male student dropped charges against his
one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer.
Apparently he admitted to authorities that he slipped a
date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank
from the spiked drink himself. In a bit of karmic justice,
the girl took him back to her room and sodomized him with a
"strap-on utensil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--------------- You Have A Bug Up Your What? ---------------

A federal judge in Worchester, MA has ordered the government
to tell a reputed mobster if it bugged his butt. The lawyer
for racketeering defendant Vincent Marino says his client
claims a DEA agent asked him to sign a form so the tracking
device could be removed. The agent reportedly had told Marino
the device was implanted in his buttocks during surgery to
remove a bullet.

-------- The Naughtiest Girls In Suicide Prevention --------

Callers to a suicide hotline got a surprise this week when
they heard a woman's voice promising "the naughtiest girls
around." According to an AP report, the toll-free number had
apparently been given to an adult phone service after the
suicide prevention folks stopped paying for it. "This is not
the kind of message a suicidal person needs to hear," said
Deborah Anderson, a spokeswoman for the Alliance for the
Mentally Ill in South Carolina.

----------------- Brother Against Brother ------------------

SAO PAULO, Brazil - What do you do if you are a Siamese
twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't
try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother
Roberto. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a
revolver and shot his brother in the head. They shared
portions of the same circulatory system and when Roberto
died, Marco soon followed.

-------- Marriage Counselor Lends a Helping Hand ----------

PRETORIA, South Africa - The psychology profession was
rocked after renowned marriage counselor, Dr. Cedric Wayne
crossed over the edge while treating a bickering couple. The
husband, fed up with his wife's unrelenting verbal assault
began slapping her. Dr. Wayne, instead of intervening to
stop the assault leapt out of his chair and charged across
the room and proceeded to beat the stunned wife as well.

"She's the most annoying woman I've ever been around. No
husband should be subjected to nagging like that... that
woman's mouth was driving me crazy," said Dr. Wayne.

----------- Gunman Says Sorry, He Had Wrong Guy ------------

HAGERSTOWN, Md. - Volunteer firefighter Andrew Ebner was
heading home from battling a late-night blaze when a shotgun
blast hit the tailgate of his borrowed pickup truck. Ebner
sped up but so did the truck on his tail. Boom! Boom! Two
more blasts. Glass showered the cab from the shattered rear
window. Finally, Ebner stopped the truck along the country
road. That's when the shooter realized he had the wrong guy.
Kenneth Ramsburg apologized, offered to pay for the damage
and gave Ebner his business card. Then, police say, he drove
10 miles to a liquor store parking lot, where he found his
intended victim and shot him in the leg.
---------- Man Shoots Car After It Dies On Him ------------

SPRING HILL, TN - A man was so incensed when his car died on him
that he pulled out a military assault rifle and shot it, police
say. The sight of the man firing the AK-47 at the empty car
startled motorists. "I understand he unloaded three 30-round
clips into the vehicle," Sheriff Enoch George said. Boyd Kelly,
told police he was angry at the 1988 Oldsmobile for quitting on him.


If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, her name would be
Ella Vader.