paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put
            the flames out.  Hope that's the worst one.  These people
            are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

            supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two
            people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved
            my way to the front of the beer line.  The barmaid looks
            like a professional wrestler after a bad night.  She was so
            irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
            her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a
            face like Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with
            her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a

            uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing
            Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
            way so I could make it to the beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded
            me on the back; now my backbone is in front of my sternum.
            She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably
            behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for

fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to

            taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
            I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at
            me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground

adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

            belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
            The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
            had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring
            beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me
            that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

            flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
            Sally.   I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers

              at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about
              Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
  CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
            I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the
            world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes
            are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
            at some point.  Good, at the autopsy they'll know what killed
            me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell our
            children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've
            decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not
            getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just let it
            in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files people
            and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

              nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
              Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
  JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
              not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON: Mommy?