Hotel Cleveland
                        Rules and Regulations

  1. We welcome you to the Hotel Cleveland, finest lodgings found in a
     1 block area. Please steal our towels, we need the advertising.
     Oh, and don't eat the chocolate on the pillow, its been stuck
     there for months.

  2. Checkout time is whenever we feel like kicking you out, so keep
     your bags packed and ready to go.

  3. Tipping is not only expected, but demanded. If you attempt to
     enter the room without tipping the bellhop, you may find your bed 
     short-sheeted and your bags on their way to Pittsburgh.

  4. Did you know that cockroaches are actually beneficial creatures?
     We have determined that 200 to 300 roaches can clean a rug of 
     debris more energy efficiently than a maid with a vacuum cleaner.
     Please be sure to turn on a light before walking around the room 
     at night, as we wouldn't want to squish any of our helpful little
     friends.

  5. You are expected to bring your own sheets and pillowcases. The
     items on the bed are for display only. If used, you will be 
     charged a small 200% fee, which will be add to your hotel bill.
     (Note: If you do use the display sheets and pillows, you are 
     expected to wash them as well. Failure to do so will result in
     having a videotape of your activities in this room played in the 
     lounge.)

  6. George Washington slept here.

  7. Do not attempt to adjust the thermostat. It is precisely tuned to
     match the outdoor temperature within a tolerance of .5  degrees.
     If you even touch the dial, the heat will either go up to 104
     degrees or down to 32 degrees, depending on the season, of 
     course.

  8. The fuzzy balls under the bed are supposed to move!

  9. The Management is not responsible. For anything. Period.

10. Please note that the small hole in the bathroom wall is designed
     to maximize ventilation. Do not cover this hole, as it will block
     our view.

11. We have designed the bathroom sink to help you sleep, with its
     soothing, metronome-like dripping sound. Enjoy.

12. Don't look under the couch.

13. Bringing pets into this room is strictly prohibited. Cats and dogs
     have been known to eat the mice that live here.

14. Don't eat the fuzzy grapes.

15. We recommend that you do not stick your head out of the window, as
     you may be struck by falling guests.

16. The famous carpet layers, Al Frank and Isabelle Stein laid the
     carpet in your room. We are proud to be a showcase for 
     Frank-N-Stein Carpets.

17. For a small fee, a tape of George Washington's activities in this
     room is available for your viewing pleasure in the lounge.  Wait
     till you see what happens when he takes out those false teeth!

18. Don't spill wine on the carpet. Failure to abide by this rule 
     will result in the immediate revocation of your passport and 
     citizenship, and you will be required to paint yourself blue. 
     Then Frank-N-Stein will get you.

19. The kitchen is for looks only. Do not attempt to actually cook
     anything as this will result in another fire.

20. Do not attempt to test whether the light in the refrigerator goes
     out when you close the door by climbing inside. We have left the
     last guest in there as a reminder. Complimentary beverages may be
     found in the crisper since space is limited.

We hope you enjoy your stay in our hotel.  Now give us your money. 
All of it.  Nobody moves and nobody gets hurt.  That's it now...
OK, have a nice day.