Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Jim Backus

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. Noel Coward
1956

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
Oscar Levant
to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. Montaigne

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.