Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! (Submitted by Andy & Chris)

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile? (Submitted by David)

What the definition of a man? A life support system for a penis.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with. (Submitted by Careama)

You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now? A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000 The female brains are sold as "used" (Submitted by Nisse)

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . . Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN? (Submitted by Michael)

Q. Why are vibrators better than men?
A. Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you dont have to do their laundry! (Submitted by "holdman")

Q: Why do men whistle when they`re sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What is the difference between men and women:.... A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.

Three women are discussing men.
"I love to see a man´s firm ass" the first woman says. The second nods but says "I think I like to look at a man's washboard stomach." They turn to the third woman, "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of his head."

When will a guy wear pantyhose to work? When his wife has found a pair in the glove compartment.

One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.

Men are like oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore! (Submitted by "Sherbert39")

How many divorced men does it take to replace a light bulb? None, she got the house. (Submitted by "Medivh")

How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest. (Submitted by Don)

When God made Man,
she was just kidding. (Submitted by Selective)

Helen Rowland: 'When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living' (Submitted by Fals and De)

Holbrook Jackson:'Why did Nature create Man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?' (Submitted by Fals and De)

How does a man commit suicide?
He jumps from his ego to his I.Q. (Submitted by Diane)

Why are men like outhouses?
-Because they are all full of shit (Submitted by Jeremy)

A man heard that 90 percent of all accidents happen within 10 miles of the home...
So he moved. (Submitted by Nicki)

Why are women smarter than men?
Because men have to take their clothes off just to count to 21. (Submitted by Gerald)

Men vacuum like they mow the lawn,
They only go over it once, and what they miss they get later with the weed eater. (Submitted by Gerald)

Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything? (Submitted by cpd)

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Q. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ? A. Because men always fuck up.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction_manuals"

How does a man find the woman of his dreams? Like he finds all other women, very satisfying.