Q. What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
A. They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand...
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? - He wanted to get a long little doggie......
What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer? Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Q: Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife? A: Because every night it was the same old shit. Q: Did you hear about the guy who's half Polish and half Mexican?
A: He made a run for the border and forgot where he was going. Q. Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant? A. He couldn't budget. Q. Did you hear about the constipated composer? A. He couldn't finish the last movement. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? A. He wanted to buy a bowel. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. There are only two words in the English language that spell the same object both forward and backward. They are "race car."
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Sign by a urinal said:
"The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal, also puts the ice in your drinks."
Sign outside kids game store: "Be nice to your kids.
They choose your nursing home."
On a bumper sticker: "Don't steal, the government hates competition."
"Did my wife say anything when you called and said I would be working late at the office?" asked the executive, nuzzling his ravishing secretary. "The only thing she said," answered the secretary, "was: 'Can I count on it?' "
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