How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
...and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

Q. What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A. A wedding.

"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."

"Who was that?" his young wife asked.

"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."

Definition of Relative Humidity:

That little bead of sweat that runs down the crack of your ass when you wife walks into the bedroom while you're screwing her sister.

The young lady was obviously displeased with her new lover's performance. "You must be the world's worst lay," she scolded.

"I think not," he replied. "That would be too great a coincidence."

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

Why did the cannibal get expelled from school? He got caught buttering up the teacher.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."

Q: What do men and women have in common? A: They both distrust men.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy you some jewelry."