Philosophical Truths

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.  But men can fake whole relationships."
       Jimmy Shubert

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to
see who's got the better imaginary friend."
       Rich Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black
guy.  I took a picture and sent it to Benetton.  You never know."
       Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
       Stephen Wright

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me.
 And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
       John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  'Hold my
purse.'"
       Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
       Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy?  Lie flat and try not to die."
       Tim Steeves

 "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:  Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
       Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
       Emo Philips

"Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
       Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died.  He was only 19.  He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker."
       Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
       Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you're in."
       Rich Jeni

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
       Jeff Green

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my
president get head."
       Elon Gold

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
       Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.  But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
       Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
       Rich Jeni

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
 Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
       Emo Philips