Quick Quips

If you are like me who never thinks of good insults quickly enough....read on

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium a very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him. The word rang in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but Capp, keeping his composure, said, "Now that you've given us your name, what's your question?"

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up to him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly, " You know, I could just swallow you up!" " In that event," said the little fellow, looking up,"you would have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your head!"

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, " Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly,

"Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

The ultimate repartee must be that of R. B. Sheridan, the political enemy of William Pitt. Pitt was provoked one day to say to him scornfully: "You will come to your end upon the gallows or of a venereal disease." "That depends, Mr. Pitt," replied Sheridan, "on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."