Quotes from people
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I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 
"You'll never find anyone like me again!"
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! 
If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
-- Larry Miller


What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
-- Marilyn Pittman


When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
-- Robin Williams


A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of herself and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
-- Christopher Case


My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake 
and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'
-- Paula Poundstone



A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
-- Conan O'Brien



Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?I think that's 
how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy



The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If 
they'reokay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown



Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over 
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld



The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. 
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. 
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, 
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers
right here.'
-- Jerry Seinfeld



Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my 
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery



"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York 
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold 
enough. Let's go west.'
-- Richard Jeni



In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?
-- Warren Hutcherson



Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's
why you should never date a baseball player.
-- Marsha Warfield



I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. 
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson



Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-- George Carlin



You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles 
A day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres



I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair 
under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky



I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer



The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day 
you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason



I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison



Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it 
back for 75 cents.
-- William Coronel



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde



Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain



Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown



Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches.
-- Jim Carrey