QUIZ:

ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE?

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:

a) Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two
that don’t make your eyes water.
b) Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c) Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d) Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate.
The most important feature in a roommate is:

a) They don’t own an accordion.
b) Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly
overrated.
c) When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an
Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d) They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are
people too.”

3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s
two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first
line. You:

a) Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b) You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?”
You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”
c) You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’
days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good
grades.
d) You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.

4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make
new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and
show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:

a) To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b) To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights
before big tests.
c) To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
d) To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners.
Which of the following is the best way to save money?:

a) Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a
catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”
b) Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c) Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by
shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d) Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans.
(This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll
try to talk you into going out on weekends.)

6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your
college application you don’t mention:

a) In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political
prisoner.”
b) You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your
Prozac dosage.
c) That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d) Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an
A for effort.

7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:

a) You’re asked to pledge "Geek."
b) MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their
football scholarship.
c) Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second
Language.
d) An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless

8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:

a) Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b) Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c) You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
d) Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you’re paying attention.)

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your
dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:

a) Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into
the country.
b) Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c) Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United
Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a
powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
d) Speak in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus
organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate,
you should join the:

a) Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b) FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c) Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take
your first class.)
d) All of the below.

Scoring:

For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.

     If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental
health practitioner immediately!