I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on 
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit 
Barbecue.  No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!  We'll have a small band 
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised 
if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We 
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with 
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we're 
calling it our "Holiday Party".


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous 
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to 
accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA 
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this? 
Somebody?


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are!  I had no idea that December 20 begins the 
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during 
daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a 
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' 
beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of 
the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package 
everything for take-home in little foil swans. 

Will that work?  Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous 
to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table 
closest to the restrooms.


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a 
tap-dance on your heads?  Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of 
sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to 
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.   Okay???


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like 
Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there 
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit".  It's a 
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the 
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.  Could we lighten up?


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this 
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit 
quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly 
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic 
tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  Tomatoes scream when 
you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from 
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at 
the sanitarium.  In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the 
Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!