Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery

room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to

you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,

who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,

orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is

crowning?
A. It means you feel as thought not only a crown but

the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in

the fields?
A. Not on purpose.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering

from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be

circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to

rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats

boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold

turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from

nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby

from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're

thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the

event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very

quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother

dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife

begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.