"What We Tell Kids" (aka How To Traumatize A Child)
===================================================

Someone once asked, "Why are parents so
impatient for a child to take his first steps and
speak his first words, when the parents will
spend the next 17 years telling the kid to shut
up and sit down?"

I disagree.  I see a walking child as one who
can bring me my slippers from the other side
of the room, and a talking child as one whom
I can intelligently warn about the dangers of life.
For example:

*  Don't pet that dog; it will eat your face off.

*  Don't go into the street; a car will run you over
   and you'll end up like a banana pancake.  That
   includes your new shoes.

*  Don't forget to wash your hands after playing
   in the sand.  There are tiny eggs under your
   fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in
   your belly, and then at night worms crawl out of
   your bottom.  (I especially like this one because
   after I say it, I get a 10-minute break as they
   discuss it quietly among themselves.)

*  Don't crawl into the refrigerator.  There is
   green stuff on the leftovers that is growing
   faster than you are.  By morning it will break
   out of the plastic containers and beat you up.

*  Don't touch the knives.  You'll cut off your
   fingers and then you can say goodbye to things
   like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in
   the bathroom and poking the dessert just
   before the company comes.

*  Don't stand around with your fingers in your
   nose.  Other kids will think you're creepy and
   throw sand at you.  Plus, their parents will
   wonder where you learned it.

*  Don't unbuckle your seat belt.  You might
   get put in prison.  You'll have to celebrate
   your birthday with a bunch of murderers,
   perverts and lawyers.

*  Don't bite on that electrical cord.  There's fire
   inside that will blow up your teeth.  You'll never
   be able to chew paper, old gum from the
   sidewalk or dog kibble again.

*  Don't try to climb over the balcony railing.
   You'll flip over the top and die, then go to a
   place where a bunch of other bull-headed kids
   will hit you on the head with a plastic rake
   when the Lord is not looking.

*  Don't open the dishwasher and jump up and
   down on the door.  Mommy will have to call a
   repairman, then Daddy will die.

*  Don't put your tongue on that.  A dog went
   pee-pee there.

*  Don't eat those mushrooms in the grass.
   Remember the king in the Babar book;  he did
   that, turned green and died.  You hate green.

*  Don't drink anything in the garage.  It's all
   poison and we'll have to take you to the
   hospital, and they'll put tubes in your stomach
   and pump everything out.  It will hurt when the
   Barbie head comes back up.

*  Don't lick the pigeons.  It's bad enough
   we're feeding them moldy  bread.

*  Don't play in the fireplace.  A reindeer went
   pee-pee in there.

*  Don't hit Mommy's old computer with that
   toy hammer.  If it breaks, Daddy will have to
   buy a new one.  On second thought, here's
   a real hammer.

*  Don't try to kiss the goat.  It eats garbage
   and will go after whatever that thing is in your
   mouth.

*  Don't play in the toilet.  Remember, the
   toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, and
   your cup is clean even though it looks dirty.

*  Don't keep on wearing those old shoes.
   They're too small and your feet will shrivel up
   like the potatoes in the vegetable drawer, and
   you won't be able to run away from me.